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So its been a few days since my last post. Elliott Richard's birthday is Thursday. I can't believe its been 4 years. It feels like it was just yesterday that I would fall asleep next to Lizze at night with my arm around her and my hand on her belly. He would kick my hand all night long. I remember Lizze going on bedrest and having very, very serious complications. She spent weeks in the hospital. I remember when she developed a DVT in her leg. It was really bad because they could not find the clot and her leg had swelled up to twice the normal size. They could do very little to help her without the risk of hurting Elliott Richard. Up to that point in my life I had never been so scared.

I remember when Elliott Richard finally decided he couldn't wait anymore and was born over a month early. We were so relieved that he seemed to be ok. Then the NICU rushed in because he started having problems breathing. He was whisked away by stampede of white coats and scrubs.

We spent the next 3 weeks in the NICU while he recovered from premature lung disease, 2 collapsed lungs and pneumonia. I remember the doctors telling us that he might not make it.

I never would have believed that those few words could collapse my whole world in a single moment. I remember talks of having him air lifted to Cleveland Clinic because there wasn't much more they could do.

To this day when I smell a certain hand sanitizers I am transported back to those few weeks. I remember not being allowed to even touch him when he was crying and in pain. Watching him struggle to breath was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had never known true fear until then. I was a fire/medic for along time even prior to Elliott Richard. I have been in burning houses and extricated people from truly horrific car crashes. I have had guns pointed at me as well as knives pulled on me. I have seen things most people couldn't even imagine. All of these things paled in comparison to the fear I felt about loosing Elliott Richard. It was like something inside awoke for the first time the moment he took his very first breath.
Now he is happy and healthy. He is very advanced for his age according to Gavin's specialists. Time is passing much to quickly.

Lost and Tired
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