Well as far as victories go we never have many. Yesterday though Gavin had a perfect day at school. Even after forgetting his backpack. This almost never happens and it happened on aday we really needed it to.
The rest of the day with Gavin was good until after dinner when he really struggled but in fairness to Gavin the emotional level in the house was very high. So all things considered he had a really good day.
He went to school this morning with a good attitude and said he was going to have an awesome day.
Here's to hoping..
LT
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Children's Hospital here we come....
As you may or may not be aware Emmett John has an appt. at the Children's Hospital in the morning. It appears that Emmett John is profoundly deaf. He has been to the audiologist and failed the test. Although he wouldn't let her but anything in his ears. He didn't respond in any, way, shape or form to ANY of the test they did complete. She said he can't hear anything 45db of lower (human voice) and most likely couldn't hear anything below 65db. She said he was at least moderately hearing impaired but probably profoundly deaf. However, because he wouldn't go along with the rest of the testing she couldn't say for sure.
In the morning he is scheduled for an ABR test. He will be sedated and they will do pretty much the same hearing test only they will monitor his brain activity to see if his brain can even process sound. It's the definitive test for hearing loss. So we will finally know for sure in the morning. We have been waiting 3 months for this test.
We have been teaching him and ourselves sing language. Lizze made it her mission to learn as much as she can. She is teaching me some basic things until we get into some classes. We have all the services lined up for him in the event we need them.
I don't really know what I think right now. I have been trying to hold off feeling one way or other because it's just to hard to imagine him never hearing my voice. It's very clear that he has hearing loss. VERY rarely does he respond to us when we try to get his attention. Sometimes he will be he may just be able to hear a noise in a general direction. I really don't think he is processing the sounds. He has never said a single word. He grunts when angry or upset and the rest of the time just kind of babbles.
He past his hearing test at birth we know that. We also know he had ear infection after ear infection. Some were resistant to antibiotics. He had tubes put in last year and that ended the infections. However, we learned that the ENT that did the surgery never tested his hearing before or after his surgery. His tubes are clean so that isn't the problem. We think that most likely it has been a gradual thing.
Either way we will find away to make it through. Since we have been using sign language (about 3 months) he has been much happier. He was so frustrated before because he couldn't communicate with us. So he would lash out or just through a fit. He doesn't really sign yet but he understands basic signs now which has helped a lot.
Since Emmett John has been sick the past week we were affraid this was going to drag out even longer but he seems to be doing better. The hospital says as long as he is coughing a lot in his sleep it should be fine. So we should find out for sure in the morning what is going on with his hearing.
Lost and Tired
In the morning he is scheduled for an ABR test. He will be sedated and they will do pretty much the same hearing test only they will monitor his brain activity to see if his brain can even process sound. It's the definitive test for hearing loss. So we will finally know for sure in the morning. We have been waiting 3 months for this test.
We have been teaching him and ourselves sing language. Lizze made it her mission to learn as much as she can. She is teaching me some basic things until we get into some classes. We have all the services lined up for him in the event we need them.
I don't really know what I think right now. I have been trying to hold off feeling one way or other because it's just to hard to imagine him never hearing my voice. It's very clear that he has hearing loss. VERY rarely does he respond to us when we try to get his attention. Sometimes he will be he may just be able to hear a noise in a general direction. I really don't think he is processing the sounds. He has never said a single word. He grunts when angry or upset and the rest of the time just kind of babbles.
He past his hearing test at birth we know that. We also know he had ear infection after ear infection. Some were resistant to antibiotics. He had tubes put in last year and that ended the infections. However, we learned that the ENT that did the surgery never tested his hearing before or after his surgery. His tubes are clean so that isn't the problem. We think that most likely it has been a gradual thing.
Either way we will find away to make it through. Since we have been using sign language (about 3 months) he has been much happier. He was so frustrated before because he couldn't communicate with us. So he would lash out or just through a fit. He doesn't really sign yet but he understands basic signs now which has helped a lot.
Since Emmett John has been sick the past week we were affraid this was going to drag out even longer but he seems to be doing better. The hospital says as long as he is coughing a lot in his sleep it should be fine. So we should find out for sure in the morning what is going on with his hearing.
Lost and Tired
Saturday, March 27, 2010
To help put things into perspective........
I thought I would post this. This is the letter I wrote to the judge about Gavin's adoption. I know the content of this blog is not uplifting very often so I thought I would share this letter I wrote to the judge. Things weren't always this bad. I often return to this letter to help me put things into perspective.........
I removed any identifying information.......
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What does it mean to be a father?
I have been asked the question, Why do I want to adopt Gavin?
This should be very simple to answer but it is not. There is so much going on in our lives that I do not really know how to answer this question anymore. In truth I have been working on this letter for quite some time. There is so much joy and pain involved in writing this. I wanted to take my time and do right by Gavin, so here it goes.
Let me start by introducing myself, I am Rob. I am almost 30 years old today. I am a husband of 5 years to my amazing wife Lizze and a father to my two miracle babies Elliott Richard (2 years) and Emmett John (7 weeks). I met Lizze a few months before September 11, 2001. I was at the tail end of paramedic school and about to suffer a major, life changing back injury. We met each other while walking our dogs at the park. There was a connection right away. We waited a while before I met Gavin.
The first time I met him was at Meldrum’s, a restaurant in Mas....... I met them there for dinner. Gavin and I bonded instantly. This was uncommon for him as he was very shy. While we sat there coloring and waiting for our food he spilled an entire glass of ice cold lemonade in my lap. Lizze thought for sure I was gone after that. I never really told her but that was the moment I fell in love with her. We were married about 2 years later.
Since the day I met Gavin I have taken responsibility for every aspect of his life. Not because I had to, because I wanted to. Lizze and I have raised him together since then.
What does it mean to be a father?
I would like to introduce you to Gavin now. Gavin is 8 years and 7 months today. He is a sweet, compassionate, loving and selfless little boy whom I’ve had the privilege of raising as my own since he was about 1 1/2 years old. Gavin loves to build with his Lego’s and draw his comic books. Gavin has been through more in his short time on this Earth then most people will in a life time. He has been the middle of a tug of war for almost 8 years. We have fought very hard to shield him from this, insure his best interests and to get him the help he needs, which most recently included a DNA case in S.....County Family Court against Gavin’s biological father and paternal grandmother; which was triggered by Gavin’s doctors.
Gavin was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome in 2005 by Dr. Lee....lds and A....Children’s Hospital. Asperger’s is a form of Autism. Gavin has also been diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD, OCD, and Sensory Integration Disorder. Recently we have been treating him for bipolar disorder as well. Every day is literally a struggle to survive. Gavin is emotionally about 3 years of age. We live in a world where Gavin “melts down” over everything. As he gets bigger and stronger he is getting much more difficult to manage. Words cannot describe how difficult this summer has been. He was extremely difficult to manage and has more recently become very violent. Gavin hurts himself when he gets angry or frustrated. He is very dangerous to be around when he is raging. We have built our lives around Gavin’s needs. Meeting Gavin’s needs requires great sacrifice from all of us. We have involved every available means of support in order meet his needs. This is extremely difficult to do because what’s best for Gavin is rarely what’s best for Emmett and Elliott. Finding a balance that allows us to keep everyone safe is very challenging.
We have once again begun discussing a residential treatment program for medical stabilization with his doctors because we have to ensure the safety of everyone in the house, including Gavin. When things are out of his control, he panics and lashes out but he would never hurt anyone on purpose. That being said, when he lashes out and melts down, anyone and anything in his path will be collateral damage. We have been working with Dr. Patti ........and Dr. R....ds (for years) to try to stabilize him. For several years we were taking Gavin to 5 or 6 appointments per week.
His Doctors have told us many times that we have done everything that we can possibly do for him. They constantly re-assure us and help us get up back up when things get really bad and we begin to doubt ourselves. We have found a very delicate balance in our lives that has allowed us to tread water. This balance has required great sacrifice on our part. Gavin can rarely be taken anywhere because of his behaviors. We need multiple baby sitters if Lizze and I ever leave to go anywhere (which rarely happens). He has no real friends because he cannot connect with other children and because it isn’t safe for them. He struggles with most social situations and really struggles with expressing himself. We do our best to provide him with a safe environment where ever he goes. We do all of this and more for him while still keeping the best interests of our other 2 children at the forefront of our minds. Things are extremely difficult but we pull together as a family and we push forward because no one gets left behind. Elliott in many ways has become Gavin’s “big brother”. We have worked so hard to give Gavin a chance to live a quality life and reach his potential. We have found him a great school. He attends S....... Academy. Every one of the teachers and staff are angels. They have made such a difference in his life as well as our own. Lizze and I are very active in the school as she is the president of the PTA. All of this has helped manage the situation but as terrible as it sounds the Gavin we knew died many years ago. What is left is a little boy who is lost in his own imagination. A little boy who rarely makes any real connections with anyone. A child who struggles in every aspect of his life. We no longer live in the same place at the same time, if that makes sense.
I cannot begin to describe the pain of losing a child to Autism. I catch myself thinking back to when he was little. I try to remember if there was something I missed. Have I failed him? What could I have done differently? I always come to the same one wish. I wish I could go back to when he was 2 or 3 and I took him fishing for the first time at Pr.... Park. He caught a blue gill all by himself. He was so proud and so happy that day. That is the day I always return to. That was one the best and worst days of my life all at the same time. It was great because we had so much fun and I was so proud of him. We were connected that day. We were in the same place at the same time. It was the worst day because that was the last day I can remember we had like that. He began slipping away after that (although we were not sure why at the time). I wish I could go back and make that day last just a little while longer. I wish I would have known that would be one of the last times we would have to spend together in that place. That place where we were connected and he knew I loved him. I wish I could have said goodbye. It seems like the next day I woke up and everything was different. I am really struggling to write this because I try not to think about those days because I cannot stop crying. It hurts to cry anymore. I miss him so much.
Even though I live with him every day we are not connected the same way anymore. Gavin likes to spend his time alone in his room working on his Lego inventions with his imaginary friends. That seems to make him happy. We are told that Gavin does not perceive things like we do. I often wonder if he knows how much we love him. We tell him all the time but I do not think he gets it. We constantly worry about his future. We worry about everything.
Probably the most difficult part about this whole thing is we know he is still in there. Every once in a while we get a glimpse of him. It’s like he’s trapped inside the fog but sometimes he fights his way through and we get our little boy back. These glimpses last only a few moments and before you realize it they are gone. Patti (Dr.....) calls it the Swiss cheese effect. Sometimes all the holes line up and we can see through. We live for those moments. They are few and far between.
I love Gavin for who he is and morn for who he was. I would never try to change him to fit a mold. I try to guide him though his journey as safely as possible. I have been there for him through everything. I have been there for all the nightmares, meltdowns and injuries. I have also been there for all the little victories like brushing his teeth and getting himself dressed for school. I was there for all his karate awards and school plays. I have been to all his appointments and to pick him up from school. I have made sure the tooth fairy does not forget to visit. I make sure he has clothes to wear, food to eat, and a roof over his head. I make sure that the spaghetti sauce does not have any “specks” in it because I know he will not eat it if he sees “specks” of seasoning. I make sure our house is as safe for him as possible. I gave up my career so I could work out of my house because Gavin requires Lizze and me both to be there. I sold most of my possessions so I could give him what he needs. I have made countless sacrifices in my life so I could meet his needs better and be there for him. I live each and every day in constant physical pain because of my back injury but I push through it because my wife and children need me to. We have gone bankrupt in the process. The only help we ever receive is from our families and Gavin’s amazing doctors and teachers. These people amaze us because they don’t have to get into the trenches with us but they do anyway because Gavin has touched their lives. We have received no help from his biological father. Gavin’s father is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He has shown up to court in S...... County twice over the legal limit and has 2 DUI’s. He has yet to our knowledge completed any drug and alcohol counseling and or treatment. He also did not complete his DNA case plan after almost 2years. This is why Jobs and Families finally moved to terminate their involvement (because of his lack of cooperation). We voluntarily chose to enter into an agreement with his father and grandmother. This agreement put Gavin’s doctor’s in charge of their visitation (specifically Dr. Mi.....). This legally binding agreement is on file in S..... County.
This will be my second adoption attempt. The first time Judge P... granted the adoption. It was appealed and overturned. We then went to the state supreme court only to lose again. The Ohio Supreme Court did not hear our case, thereby upholding the ruling of the Fifth District Court of Appeals. Gavin’s father and paternal grandmother fought feverishly to get the adoption over turned and succeeded in taking it away. But here we are almost four years have gone by and not a single child support payment has been made. In fact, they have not had any type of contact with Gavin in well over a year. Lizze and Patti (Dr. Mi...) decided to move their supervised visits to the Ma....... YWCA because it was a better fit for Gavin and his special needs. It was more of a therapeutic environment and they would help Gavin’s biological father and paternal grandmother learn how to interact with Gavin appropriately. They refused to show up at the visits as a “matter of principle” because they do not believe they need to be supervised. They allowed pride and principle to separate them from Gavin. Nick then received his 2nd DUI, went to jail and the visits stopped all together. At no time did we ever discourage them from seeing him or him from wanting to see them. To this day, Gavin’s father still has yet to set up his visits at the Ma...... YWCA.
We have recently been drug into court in Mu........ County to face contempt charges claiming we were “not allowing Pam (Gavin’s paternal grandmother) to exercise her visitation”. We have been following the S....... County Court Order to the letter (an order we all – myself, my wife, Gavin’s biological father and paternal grandmother – agreed to follow and signed). We were found in contempt for doing so by Mu......... County court and my wife now faces jail time if she does not turn him over. We have the full support of all Gavin’s doctors in perusing this adoption again. Our lives are so fragile and Gavin’s is even more so. All we want is to be a family and move on as best we can.
Granting this adoption will allow us to do just that, move on and live as a family. Fundamentally nothing will change because I am the only father figure he has ever known. I am the one he goes to when he is scared. I am the one that shields him from all of this needless court drama. I have seen him through all the broken promises and missed visits. We have made up countless excuses for why his biological father and grandmother will not come to see him. All while ensuring Gavin that it’s not his fault. We tell him they have “homework” to do before they see him at the new visitation. For a while he would ask us why they weren’t doing their homework. Eventually he stopped asking and now rarely ever mentions them anymore. Believe it or not that’s heart breaking for me as father. God has given him many challenges in life already, he doesn’t need this one.
Nothing will change the fact that I am his father, even though he calls me his “Robby”. I have never encouraged him to call me dad because that’s just a name and it means nothing. I know what he means when he calls me “his Robby”. No matter what happens I will still be here doing the same things I have been doing for 7 years, along with my wife. I will never be one of those who abandon him, never. I will be here waiting patiently for the next time Gavin finds his way through the fog. I will try to reach out and grab his hand and hold on to him for that moment because it is so precious. I will try very hard to remember to ask him if he’s happy, if he knows we love him and how lucky we are to have him. I just need to know he is happy with his life, that he knows how much I love him and how proud I am to be a part of his life. I want him to know if there was a way I could take all of this away from him I would. Sadly, I know I cannot take this burden from him but I will walk by his side through his entire journey. I absolutely believe that if anyone can rise above these difficulties it will be Gavin and I will be here for him no matter what happens.
I humbly ask, please grant Gavin and me this adoption and help me to put this all behind us. Please help me give Gavin the stability and consistency that he so desperately needs and deserves. Please help us give him a fighting chance.
Respectfully,
Lost and Tired
I removed any identifying information.......
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What does it mean to be a father?
I have been asked the question, Why do I want to adopt Gavin?
This should be very simple to answer but it is not. There is so much going on in our lives that I do not really know how to answer this question anymore. In truth I have been working on this letter for quite some time. There is so much joy and pain involved in writing this. I wanted to take my time and do right by Gavin, so here it goes.
Let me start by introducing myself, I am Rob. I am almost 30 years old today. I am a husband of 5 years to my amazing wife Lizze and a father to my two miracle babies Elliott Richard (2 years) and Emmett John (7 weeks). I met Lizze a few months before September 11, 2001. I was at the tail end of paramedic school and about to suffer a major, life changing back injury. We met each other while walking our dogs at the park. There was a connection right away. We waited a while before I met Gavin.
The first time I met him was at Meldrum’s, a restaurant in Mas....... I met them there for dinner. Gavin and I bonded instantly. This was uncommon for him as he was very shy. While we sat there coloring and waiting for our food he spilled an entire glass of ice cold lemonade in my lap. Lizze thought for sure I was gone after that. I never really told her but that was the moment I fell in love with her. We were married about 2 years later.
Since the day I met Gavin I have taken responsibility for every aspect of his life. Not because I had to, because I wanted to. Lizze and I have raised him together since then.
What does it mean to be a father?
I would like to introduce you to Gavin now. Gavin is 8 years and 7 months today. He is a sweet, compassionate, loving and selfless little boy whom I’ve had the privilege of raising as my own since he was about 1 1/2 years old. Gavin loves to build with his Lego’s and draw his comic books. Gavin has been through more in his short time on this Earth then most people will in a life time. He has been the middle of a tug of war for almost 8 years. We have fought very hard to shield him from this, insure his best interests and to get him the help he needs, which most recently included a DNA case in S.....County Family Court against Gavin’s biological father and paternal grandmother; which was triggered by Gavin’s doctors.
Gavin was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome in 2005 by Dr. Lee....lds and A....Children’s Hospital. Asperger’s is a form of Autism. Gavin has also been diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD, OCD, and Sensory Integration Disorder. Recently we have been treating him for bipolar disorder as well. Every day is literally a struggle to survive. Gavin is emotionally about 3 years of age. We live in a world where Gavin “melts down” over everything. As he gets bigger and stronger he is getting much more difficult to manage. Words cannot describe how difficult this summer has been. He was extremely difficult to manage and has more recently become very violent. Gavin hurts himself when he gets angry or frustrated. He is very dangerous to be around when he is raging. We have built our lives around Gavin’s needs. Meeting Gavin’s needs requires great sacrifice from all of us. We have involved every available means of support in order meet his needs. This is extremely difficult to do because what’s best for Gavin is rarely what’s best for Emmett and Elliott. Finding a balance that allows us to keep everyone safe is very challenging.
We have once again begun discussing a residential treatment program for medical stabilization with his doctors because we have to ensure the safety of everyone in the house, including Gavin. When things are out of his control, he panics and lashes out but he would never hurt anyone on purpose. That being said, when he lashes out and melts down, anyone and anything in his path will be collateral damage. We have been working with Dr. Patti ........and Dr. R....ds (for years) to try to stabilize him. For several years we were taking Gavin to 5 or 6 appointments per week.
His Doctors have told us many times that we have done everything that we can possibly do for him. They constantly re-assure us and help us get up back up when things get really bad and we begin to doubt ourselves. We have found a very delicate balance in our lives that has allowed us to tread water. This balance has required great sacrifice on our part. Gavin can rarely be taken anywhere because of his behaviors. We need multiple baby sitters if Lizze and I ever leave to go anywhere (which rarely happens). He has no real friends because he cannot connect with other children and because it isn’t safe for them. He struggles with most social situations and really struggles with expressing himself. We do our best to provide him with a safe environment where ever he goes. We do all of this and more for him while still keeping the best interests of our other 2 children at the forefront of our minds. Things are extremely difficult but we pull together as a family and we push forward because no one gets left behind. Elliott in many ways has become Gavin’s “big brother”. We have worked so hard to give Gavin a chance to live a quality life and reach his potential. We have found him a great school. He attends S....... Academy. Every one of the teachers and staff are angels. They have made such a difference in his life as well as our own. Lizze and I are very active in the school as she is the president of the PTA. All of this has helped manage the situation but as terrible as it sounds the Gavin we knew died many years ago. What is left is a little boy who is lost in his own imagination. A little boy who rarely makes any real connections with anyone. A child who struggles in every aspect of his life. We no longer live in the same place at the same time, if that makes sense.
I cannot begin to describe the pain of losing a child to Autism. I catch myself thinking back to when he was little. I try to remember if there was something I missed. Have I failed him? What could I have done differently? I always come to the same one wish. I wish I could go back to when he was 2 or 3 and I took him fishing for the first time at Pr.... Park. He caught a blue gill all by himself. He was so proud and so happy that day. That is the day I always return to. That was one the best and worst days of my life all at the same time. It was great because we had so much fun and I was so proud of him. We were connected that day. We were in the same place at the same time. It was the worst day because that was the last day I can remember we had like that. He began slipping away after that (although we were not sure why at the time). I wish I could go back and make that day last just a little while longer. I wish I would have known that would be one of the last times we would have to spend together in that place. That place where we were connected and he knew I loved him. I wish I could have said goodbye. It seems like the next day I woke up and everything was different. I am really struggling to write this because I try not to think about those days because I cannot stop crying. It hurts to cry anymore. I miss him so much.
Even though I live with him every day we are not connected the same way anymore. Gavin likes to spend his time alone in his room working on his Lego inventions with his imaginary friends. That seems to make him happy. We are told that Gavin does not perceive things like we do. I often wonder if he knows how much we love him. We tell him all the time but I do not think he gets it. We constantly worry about his future. We worry about everything.
Probably the most difficult part about this whole thing is we know he is still in there. Every once in a while we get a glimpse of him. It’s like he’s trapped inside the fog but sometimes he fights his way through and we get our little boy back. These glimpses last only a few moments and before you realize it they are gone. Patti (Dr.....) calls it the Swiss cheese effect. Sometimes all the holes line up and we can see through. We live for those moments. They are few and far between.
I love Gavin for who he is and morn for who he was. I would never try to change him to fit a mold. I try to guide him though his journey as safely as possible. I have been there for him through everything. I have been there for all the nightmares, meltdowns and injuries. I have also been there for all the little victories like brushing his teeth and getting himself dressed for school. I was there for all his karate awards and school plays. I have been to all his appointments and to pick him up from school. I have made sure the tooth fairy does not forget to visit. I make sure he has clothes to wear, food to eat, and a roof over his head. I make sure that the spaghetti sauce does not have any “specks” in it because I know he will not eat it if he sees “specks” of seasoning. I make sure our house is as safe for him as possible. I gave up my career so I could work out of my house because Gavin requires Lizze and me both to be there. I sold most of my possessions so I could give him what he needs. I have made countless sacrifices in my life so I could meet his needs better and be there for him. I live each and every day in constant physical pain because of my back injury but I push through it because my wife and children need me to. We have gone bankrupt in the process. The only help we ever receive is from our families and Gavin’s amazing doctors and teachers. These people amaze us because they don’t have to get into the trenches with us but they do anyway because Gavin has touched their lives. We have received no help from his biological father. Gavin’s father is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He has shown up to court in S...... County twice over the legal limit and has 2 DUI’s. He has yet to our knowledge completed any drug and alcohol counseling and or treatment. He also did not complete his DNA case plan after almost 2years. This is why Jobs and Families finally moved to terminate their involvement (because of his lack of cooperation). We voluntarily chose to enter into an agreement with his father and grandmother. This agreement put Gavin’s doctor’s in charge of their visitation (specifically Dr. Mi.....). This legally binding agreement is on file in S..... County.
This will be my second adoption attempt. The first time Judge P... granted the adoption. It was appealed and overturned. We then went to the state supreme court only to lose again. The Ohio Supreme Court did not hear our case, thereby upholding the ruling of the Fifth District Court of Appeals. Gavin’s father and paternal grandmother fought feverishly to get the adoption over turned and succeeded in taking it away. But here we are almost four years have gone by and not a single child support payment has been made. In fact, they have not had any type of contact with Gavin in well over a year. Lizze and Patti (Dr. Mi...) decided to move their supervised visits to the Ma....... YWCA because it was a better fit for Gavin and his special needs. It was more of a therapeutic environment and they would help Gavin’s biological father and paternal grandmother learn how to interact with Gavin appropriately. They refused to show up at the visits as a “matter of principle” because they do not believe they need to be supervised. They allowed pride and principle to separate them from Gavin. Nick then received his 2nd DUI, went to jail and the visits stopped all together. At no time did we ever discourage them from seeing him or him from wanting to see them. To this day, Gavin’s father still has yet to set up his visits at the Ma...... YWCA.
We have recently been drug into court in Mu........ County to face contempt charges claiming we were “not allowing Pam (Gavin’s paternal grandmother) to exercise her visitation”. We have been following the S....... County Court Order to the letter (an order we all – myself, my wife, Gavin’s biological father and paternal grandmother – agreed to follow and signed). We were found in contempt for doing so by Mu......... County court and my wife now faces jail time if she does not turn him over. We have the full support of all Gavin’s doctors in perusing this adoption again. Our lives are so fragile and Gavin’s is even more so. All we want is to be a family and move on as best we can.
Granting this adoption will allow us to do just that, move on and live as a family. Fundamentally nothing will change because I am the only father figure he has ever known. I am the one he goes to when he is scared. I am the one that shields him from all of this needless court drama. I have seen him through all the broken promises and missed visits. We have made up countless excuses for why his biological father and grandmother will not come to see him. All while ensuring Gavin that it’s not his fault. We tell him they have “homework” to do before they see him at the new visitation. For a while he would ask us why they weren’t doing their homework. Eventually he stopped asking and now rarely ever mentions them anymore. Believe it or not that’s heart breaking for me as father. God has given him many challenges in life already, he doesn’t need this one.
Nothing will change the fact that I am his father, even though he calls me his “Robby”. I have never encouraged him to call me dad because that’s just a name and it means nothing. I know what he means when he calls me “his Robby”. No matter what happens I will still be here doing the same things I have been doing for 7 years, along with my wife. I will never be one of those who abandon him, never. I will be here waiting patiently for the next time Gavin finds his way through the fog. I will try to reach out and grab his hand and hold on to him for that moment because it is so precious. I will try very hard to remember to ask him if he’s happy, if he knows we love him and how lucky we are to have him. I just need to know he is happy with his life, that he knows how much I love him and how proud I am to be a part of his life. I want him to know if there was a way I could take all of this away from him I would. Sadly, I know I cannot take this burden from him but I will walk by his side through his entire journey. I absolutely believe that if anyone can rise above these difficulties it will be Gavin and I will be here for him no matter what happens.
I humbly ask, please grant Gavin and me this adoption and help me to put this all behind us. Please help me give Gavin the stability and consistency that he so desperately needs and deserves. Please help us give him a fighting chance.
Respectfully,
Lost and Tired
Friday, March 26, 2010
terrible, horrible, no good very bad day!!!
This day has gone on forever. It was crappy to start with and it ended crappy. All three of the kids are sick, Elliott Richard and Emmett John have puked at least 2 times each today. Gavin is being weird even for Gavin. This doesn't make me feel good about the upcoming weekend.
Lizze and I are both stressed to the max. We are both grouchy and irritable. Not a good combination right now. I hate the tension in this house. Something has got to give and give soon. I don't know how much more we can go through. We are both at our breaking point.
We are both tired of waiting for Emmett John's ABR test that's scheduled for this Monday. The past 3 months wait has been killing us. We will find out for sure Monday if Emmett John can or cannot hear. At this point I have no idea what is going on with him. I just want to find out so we can finally move forward again.
I feel like we have been stuck in this rut forever now and can't seem to get any traction. Lizze and I both do our best but it just never seems to be enough.
Lost and Tired
Lizze and I are both stressed to the max. We are both grouchy and irritable. Not a good combination right now. I hate the tension in this house. Something has got to give and give soon. I don't know how much more we can go through. We are both at our breaking point.
We are both tired of waiting for Emmett John's ABR test that's scheduled for this Monday. The past 3 months wait has been killing us. We will find out for sure Monday if Emmett John can or cannot hear. At this point I have no idea what is going on with him. I just want to find out so we can finally move forward again.
I feel like we have been stuck in this rut forever now and can't seem to get any traction. Lizze and I both do our best but it just never seems to be enough.
Lost and Tired
illness is like the energizer bunny.....it keeps going and going.....
Well after our fun at the doctors the other day we found ourselves back there again. This time it was Elliott Richard (again) and Gavin. Elliott Richard's respiratory infection has gotten to the point that he is puking from all the coughing. Gavin just has the same nasty cough. Elliott Richard's antibiotics we changed to something stronger. Gavin is on the the same antibiotic as Emmett John.
No sooner does Lizze get home from the doctors then Emmett John just pukes all over the kitchen floor. I can see this is going to be a fun night.
Lost and Tired
No sooner does Lizze get home from the doctors then Emmett John just pukes all over the kitchen floor. I can see this is going to be a fun night.
Lost and Tired
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Anyone out there looking for a nice video camera?
I just put up our video camera on ebay to help generate some funds. If you are interested or know someone who might be check our my ebay auction. If not well that's cool to.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=200454571997
Thanks
Lost and Tired
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=200454571997
Thanks
Lost and Tired
Medication follow up.
We received a call from Gavin's doctor tonight. The blood work came back and we have to raise Gavin's depakote again. He now takes 1000mg in the am and 500mg in the pm. This doubles his morning dose. We go back in a week for blood work and medication tweaking. I'm pretty sure we are getting close to the ceiling on this med.
I would just like to thank puberty for screwing with his already complicated body chemistry.... t took us years to find this combination of meds that worked. Now we may have to start over because I don't believe we can go much higher. Looks like we may need t get back on the medication rollercoaster.
Lost and Tired
Lost and Tired
I would just like to thank puberty for screwing with his already complicated body chemistry.... t took us years to find this combination of meds that worked. Now we may have to start over because I don't believe we can go much higher. Looks like we may need t get back on the medication rollercoaster.
Lost and Tired
Lost and Tired
AAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Gavin had an interesting day. By interesting I mean bad. I am becoming more frustrated with Gavin's school situation as a whole.
We get a summary of his day, every day. They use moon's as the behavior grading system. Full moon is great and new moon is bad. So when we ask Gavin how his day was he says "8 full moons" as an example.
We have been struggling with this because it doesn't appear to be very accurate. Gavin was sent to the principles office again today (this has become a daily occurrence) because he was out of control. He missed all of reading class because of his behavior. He received a 3/4 moon for a class he didn't even attend. Are they grading on a curve? On what planet does that qualify as a 3/4 moon.
Maybe I'm being strict or expecting to much from Gavin but in my opinion any day he is sent to the principles office is a BAD day. He goes to the principles office at least once a day for behavioral issues. I don't understand how that helps him. If he gets sent to the office during a class because of choices he has made then that should be a "new moon". Right?
I mean as he gets older he won't be able to get away with the things he gets away with now. Our stance is that his only real chance (ha ha that rhymes) is to ride him pretty hard now to curb the behavioral issues. No one is going to be understanding when he's older and still doing these things. Does any of this make sense? He will simply go to jail.
I don't know how to get the school to grasp this concept. It's pretty simple in my opinion. There has to be natural consequences and realistic expectations. Gavin's therapist is having a meeting with the school next week to clear up any confusion as to what his capabilities are.
I'm not going to hold me breath. I will probably just continue to bang my head into the wall out of frustration until this is resolved.
Lost and Tired
We get a summary of his day, every day. They use moon's as the behavior grading system. Full moon is great and new moon is bad. So when we ask Gavin how his day was he says "8 full moons" as an example.
We have been struggling with this because it doesn't appear to be very accurate. Gavin was sent to the principles office again today (this has become a daily occurrence) because he was out of control. He missed all of reading class because of his behavior. He received a 3/4 moon for a class he didn't even attend. Are they grading on a curve? On what planet does that qualify as a 3/4 moon.
Maybe I'm being strict or expecting to much from Gavin but in my opinion any day he is sent to the principles office is a BAD day. He goes to the principles office at least once a day for behavioral issues. I don't understand how that helps him. If he gets sent to the office during a class because of choices he has made then that should be a "new moon". Right?
I mean as he gets older he won't be able to get away with the things he gets away with now. Our stance is that his only real chance (ha ha that rhymes) is to ride him pretty hard now to curb the behavioral issues. No one is going to be understanding when he's older and still doing these things. Does any of this make sense? He will simply go to jail.
I don't know how to get the school to grasp this concept. It's pretty simple in my opinion. There has to be natural consequences and realistic expectations. Gavin's therapist is having a meeting with the school next week to clear up any confusion as to what his capabilities are.
I'm not going to hold me breath. I will probably just continue to bang my head into the wall out of frustration until this is resolved.
Lost and Tired
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Back to the doc's
Deja vo? We are back to the doc's again. This time with Emmett John and Elliott Richard. Both have a temp and very wet cough.
Lost and Tired
Lost and Tired
At the doc's with Gavin continued
Gavin was very nervous while waiting. We get back there and he just starts screaming and he doesn't stop screaming until everyone has left the room. Everyone felt bad for him. I on the other hand was irritated with him. Is that wrong? I was the only one who knew it was just drama not really fear. If he was truly afraid then I was wrong. It was just so dramatic and as soon as they left it shut off. So there it is. A trip to get blood work done. On the plus side it only took 3 people to get the job done. It has taken 9 people in the past.
Now we just wait for the results and see what the next move is going to be.
Lost and Tired
Now we just wait for the results and see what the next move is going to be.
Lost and Tired
What life is like: part 4
As I have said before raising a child like Gavin is nothing short of a challenge. What most people don't know is the toll takes on your marriage. The divorce rate for couples with an autistic child is about 80-85%. When you figure that Gavin's autism is just one of 8 different disorders that certainly adds to the strain. On top of that, the divorce rate for blended families is about 70%.
We fall into both categories. I adopted Gavin after an 9 year long court battle. So we are a blended family. So the reality is that the odds are not in our favor. Add to that financial strain and other health issues and they sometimes seem like insurmountable odds.
Lizze and I have always said that no one would have ever matched us up on purpose because we are just to different. Their have been many times along the way that those differences have reared their ugly heads. One would think that the 9 year court battle with her abusive and drug addicted ex husband would have destroyed us long ago. It destroyed us financially and physically in a lot of ways. We accrued $50,000+ fighting to protect Gavin. Her ex husband never paid ANY child support and ran up debt in my wife's name including social security fraud. Along the way we went bankrupt because I couldn't cover these debts and he never paid anything he was supposed to.
Physically we both were effected by chronic stress. Lizze developed fibromyalgia and everything that goes along with that. We both are trying to deal with PTSD and depression. We only just got rid of him once and for all this past December. The court of appeals ruled that the previous courts had abused its power and we were released from all the previous orders.
This was a HUGE relief but at the same time it's really stressful because that was all we knew for so long. We don't really know how to put our lives together and move forward.
I realize I have been off topic a little but I have a point I promise. All of these things combined make our future looks bleak. However, Lizze and I have survived for 9 years despite these challenges. I don't really know how we do it. Neither one of us are quitters and we love each other. I can say that for most couples that wouldn't be enough. We take it one day at a time. That's really all we can do. Our marriage is very strong despite the 90% failure rate. I guess we are just in the minority.
If you know someone like us remember they need all the help they can get. They could use some time to themselves. Maybe dinner and a movie every once in a while. You could offer to watch the kids just to give them a break. Families like ours need love and support not judgement and persecution. After all, we already have enough working against us.
Lost and Tired
We fall into both categories. I adopted Gavin after an 9 year long court battle. So we are a blended family. So the reality is that the odds are not in our favor. Add to that financial strain and other health issues and they sometimes seem like insurmountable odds.
Lizze and I have always said that no one would have ever matched us up on purpose because we are just to different. Their have been many times along the way that those differences have reared their ugly heads. One would think that the 9 year court battle with her abusive and drug addicted ex husband would have destroyed us long ago. It destroyed us financially and physically in a lot of ways. We accrued $50,000+ fighting to protect Gavin. Her ex husband never paid ANY child support and ran up debt in my wife's name including social security fraud. Along the way we went bankrupt because I couldn't cover these debts and he never paid anything he was supposed to.
Physically we both were effected by chronic stress. Lizze developed fibromyalgia and everything that goes along with that. We both are trying to deal with PTSD and depression. We only just got rid of him once and for all this past December. The court of appeals ruled that the previous courts had abused its power and we were released from all the previous orders.
This was a HUGE relief but at the same time it's really stressful because that was all we knew for so long. We don't really know how to put our lives together and move forward.
I realize I have been off topic a little but I have a point I promise. All of these things combined make our future looks bleak. However, Lizze and I have survived for 9 years despite these challenges. I don't really know how we do it. Neither one of us are quitters and we love each other. I can say that for most couples that wouldn't be enough. We take it one day at a time. That's really all we can do. Our marriage is very strong despite the 90% failure rate. I guess we are just in the minority.
If you know someone like us remember they need all the help they can get. They could use some time to themselves. Maybe dinner and a movie every once in a while. You could offer to watch the kids just to give them a break. Families like ours need love and support not judgement and persecution. After all, we already have enough working against us.
Lost and Tired
At the Doc's, Gavin is getting blood work
Sitting waiting for Gavin's blood to taken. He is doing ok but I can see the anxiety building. I'm not sure how this is going to go. He can either be really good or it can take about 9 people to drawl his blood. I really hope it goes well cause I don't have the energy to fight him right now.
Lost and Tired
Lost and Tired
At the Doc's, Gavin is getting blood work
Sitting waiting for Gavin's blood to taken. He is doing ok but I can see the anxiety building. I'm not sure how this is going to go. He can either be really good or it can take about 9 people to drawl his blood. I really hope it goes well cause I don't have the energy to fight him right now.
Lost and Tired
Lost and Tired
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Random stuff
Sitting waiting to go into Gavin's appointment. Trying to think thru getting our computer business back up and running full steam. I just built my new tower and it's running really nice. I also got most of my testing gear together. I got external burners and external docks for just about any HDD you can imagine. I am in the process of transferring my domain to a new host and my website will be back up. I am going to be working on some marketing things this week as I have time.
We never actually shut down we just stopped pursuing new customers. I still had business but we had just to much going on to focus on both businesses. When the site is back up I post a link here so you can check it out.
Lost and Tired
We never actually shut down we just stopped pursuing new customers. I still had business but we had just to much going on to focus on both businesses. When the site is back up I post a link here so you can check it out.
Lost and Tired
Oatmeal. It's what's for dinner.
So Gavin had a bad day at school today. He refused to do his work and spent time with the principle. He came home and we discussed his day. He refused to take responsibility for his actions. He still owed me time from last nights drama and in light of the path he took at school he was awarded with oatmeal for dinner.
Now he didn't like this one bit so I know that it is effective. And let's be honest, oatmeal is good for you anyway. We aren't starving him. He just doesn't like oatmeal. It's really the only deterrent we have left that works to some degree.
We are running out of creative ways to give him consequences for his actions.
Anyone have anything that has worked for them?
Lost and Tired
Now he didn't like this one bit so I know that it is effective. And let's be honest, oatmeal is good for you anyway. We aren't starving him. He just doesn't like oatmeal. It's really the only deterrent we have left that works to some degree.
We are running out of creative ways to give him consequences for his actions.
Anyone have anything that has worked for them?
Lost and Tired
If I had hair I would pull it out
So we have been having problems with Gavin's school not handling him appropriately. There was little accountability for Gavin and that was a huge problem. I thought we had worked out most of the issues but apparently not.
Gavin teachers are trying to teach the kids to listen to their "inner voice". I know there are some out there that are saying so what. I also know there are some of you out there saying "OMG what are they thinking".
Here is why the "OMG's" are correct. Gavin has been hearing voices for a few years now. He is medicated for it but we are pretty sure he still hears them. Gavin's voices in the past have talked about killing, setting the house on fire ect. So now you see the problem we have. His teachers are telling him to listen to his inner voice. We have already discussed this with them but it didn't seem to be taken seriously.
So now poor Gavin is even more confused then he was with just the voices in his head. He had learned to recognise them as not real voices but still struggles with it from time to time. Now he is being taught to listen to them at school. I called the school this morning to demand they stop the inner voice stuff with him. Who knows if it's going to work....
Lost and Tired
Gavin teachers are trying to teach the kids to listen to their "inner voice". I know there are some out there that are saying so what. I also know there are some of you out there saying "OMG what are they thinking".
Here is why the "OMG's" are correct. Gavin has been hearing voices for a few years now. He is medicated for it but we are pretty sure he still hears them. Gavin's voices in the past have talked about killing, setting the house on fire ect. So now you see the problem we have. His teachers are telling him to listen to his inner voice. We have already discussed this with them but it didn't seem to be taken seriously.
So now poor Gavin is even more confused then he was with just the voices in his head. He had learned to recognise them as not real voices but still struggles with it from time to time. Now he is being taught to listen to them at school. I called the school this morning to demand they stop the inner voice stuff with him. Who knows if it's going to work....
Lost and Tired
Common Sense
One of the most frustrating and draining things about raising Gavin is the fact that he lacks common sense. I am very serious when I say that. Gavin does not have any common sense. That part of his brain just doesn't work. While he is extremely intelligent it's also "think to breath" so to speak with everything else. He doesn't recognise even the most basic safety things like the burner is hot or that's way to high to jump from.
Honestly, Elliott Richard past him up in that department a while back. It's hard to always keep in mind that Gavin really doesn't function very well in the real world. It's really easy to lose your patience because all you see sometimes is a 10 year old doing things that his 4 year old brother knows is wrong.
You have to visualize Gavin as a 2 or 3 year old in a bigger body. So what Gavin does is really appropriate for his emotional age but not his physical age. Way to often I see him as an out of control 10 year old. Gavin is really smart and can do some things that are well past is physical age so it's easy to forget where he really is. That is really one of the most difficult parts of this whole journey.
Lost and Tired
Honestly, Elliott Richard past him up in that department a while back. It's hard to always keep in mind that Gavin really doesn't function very well in the real world. It's really easy to lose your patience because all you see sometimes is a 10 year old doing things that his 4 year old brother knows is wrong.
You have to visualize Gavin as a 2 or 3 year old in a bigger body. So what Gavin does is really appropriate for his emotional age but not his physical age. Way to often I see him as an out of control 10 year old. Gavin is really smart and can do some things that are well past is physical age so it's easy to forget where he really is. That is really one of the most difficult parts of this whole journey.
Lost and Tired
Full circle
Last night Gavin had a HUGE meltdown. After an ok day at school he just wouldn't listen when he got home. He spent lots of time in his room but wouldn't stay there. He kept letting himself out. He got himself so upset that he was at the point of puking. So we decided to pause the punishment and let him just go to bed. He will make up the time today. I told him that he would be having oatmeal for dinner tonight. He hates oatmeal so it is a great consequence. I also told him that if he could make up his time today without a fit then he didn't have to have oatmeal for dinner. The choice is his.
Lost and Tired
Lost and Tired
Monday, March 22, 2010
Riding the wave
On the ocean of life we are experience high tide's and low tide's. Sometimes there are even rip tide's that pull you out to sea.
We have experienced many low tide's and many more rip tide's in our voyage so far. Today started out pretty low. We had to rush Lizze to the ER because yesterday she developed a HUGE bruise on her lower belly where they made the incision. I was concerned because the bruise showed up a week after the surgery. My parents came and got the kids and we were off to the ER. Everything checked out just fine and we were back a few hours later. My parents held on to the kids so we could get some much needed sleep.
Later on I spent some time with Gavin and Emmett John. Gavin was doing really well. We actually talked and even shot some hoops in the dining room. He was actually engaged. That almost never happens anymore. He played with Emmett John and never once got to rough. I actually had a good time. We even talked about his bio-father (I raised Gavin since he was about 15 months old). I actually finally got to adopt him a almost 2 years ago. Anyway, it turned out to be a pretty good day.
Gavin tends to be this way when he is sick. We have noticed that when he runs a fever all of his autism related symptoms are gone. This only ever happens when he is sick though. They call it the" fever effect". It is documented that this happens to some kids with autism. We haven't had one of these moments of clarity in quite a long time. It was just nice to be able to take advantage of it.
The reality is that he will struggle again tomorrow as he starts to get better. I'll take what I can get ;)
Lost and Tired
We have experienced many low tide's and many more rip tide's in our voyage so far. Today started out pretty low. We had to rush Lizze to the ER because yesterday she developed a HUGE bruise on her lower belly where they made the incision. I was concerned because the bruise showed up a week after the surgery. My parents came and got the kids and we were off to the ER. Everything checked out just fine and we were back a few hours later. My parents held on to the kids so we could get some much needed sleep.
Later on I spent some time with Gavin and Emmett John. Gavin was doing really well. We actually talked and even shot some hoops in the dining room. He was actually engaged. That almost never happens anymore. He played with Emmett John and never once got to rough. I actually had a good time. We even talked about his bio-father (I raised Gavin since he was about 15 months old). I actually finally got to adopt him a almost 2 years ago. Anyway, it turned out to be a pretty good day.
Gavin tends to be this way when he is sick. We have noticed that when he runs a fever all of his autism related symptoms are gone. This only ever happens when he is sick though. They call it the" fever effect". It is documented that this happens to some kids with autism. We haven't had one of these moments of clarity in quite a long time. It was just nice to be able to take advantage of it.
The reality is that he will struggle again tomorrow as he starts to get better. I'll take what I can get ;)
Lost and Tired
Saturday, March 20, 2010
What life is like part 3
When you have a special needs child like Gavin your social life goes out the window. I consider myself lucky if I get to watch Law in Order that was DVR'd a week ago. Most of our friends and some of our family are already gone. No one understands that you can't just get a sitter or that it's not a good idea to bring Gavin to whatever is going on. In order to get a sitter we have to keep in mind what Gavin my be like while your gone. We usually try to send Elliott Richard and Emmett John to one place while Gavin goes somewhere else. We are never comfortable sending all the kids to the same place (except in emergencies).
If we can barely handle Gavin then there is simply no way we can expect anyone else to.
So as you can imagine we don't get out very often if ever. It takes its toll on you after awhile. Lizze and I have been together for 9 years and are lucky to get to dinner and a movie once a year or so at the most.
It's hard to watch people disappearing from our lives because either they don't understand our lives or get tired of us having to turn down invites.
We have learned to rarely if ever make plans for the future because something always comes up. People start to take things personally when you cancel at the last minute because Gavin is having a meltdown. Believe me I would rather be anywhere then trapped at home while the entire house is literally shaking from Gavin freaking out.
Most importantly we learn to be alone. We became isolated after awhile and not by choice. It just works out that way.
To be continued.....
Lost and Tired
If we can barely handle Gavin then there is simply no way we can expect anyone else to.
So as you can imagine we don't get out very often if ever. It takes its toll on you after awhile. Lizze and I have been together for 9 years and are lucky to get to dinner and a movie once a year or so at the most.
It's hard to watch people disappearing from our lives because either they don't understand our lives or get tired of us having to turn down invites.
We have learned to rarely if ever make plans for the future because something always comes up. People start to take things personally when you cancel at the last minute because Gavin is having a meltdown. Believe me I would rather be anywhere then trapped at home while the entire house is literally shaking from Gavin freaking out.
Most importantly we learn to be alone. We became isolated after awhile and not by choice. It just works out that way.
To be continued.....
Lost and Tired
Some quiet time with the kids
We are enjoying some quiet time around the house with the kids while Gavin is sick. When Gavin is sick he tends to sleep through the day. This gives us a break from all that he can entail. I know that sounds bad to most people but I know some of you out there understand exactly what I mean. We don't want him sick but we will still take advantage of the reprieve we get while he sleeps.
Lost and Tired
Lost and Tired
Waiting for relief
Well I finished my steroid cycle for my back and sadly it didn't work. My doctor will only let me do this once a year because the steroid that reduces the inflammation also destroys the rest of my cartilage in the process. So I am left with my muscle relaxers. Hopefully they can relax the muscle enough to relieve some of the pain caused by compensating for my left side.
Lost and Tired
Lost and Tired
Welcome home
I have decided to move my blog from blogger to here. My wife was locked out of her "Award Winning" blog today for what they claimed was terms of service violations. She has had that blog for 4 or 5 years and never violated anything. We believe someone filed a complaint as a "passive aggressive" attack. Anyway, she will be moving here also and when she is up and running I'll share the link.
Thanks for following
Lost and Tired
Thanks for following
Lost and Tired
Friday, March 19, 2010
New time and new channel
I have moved to wordpress because of blogger issues.
Please follow me at the new address
http://lostandtired.wordpress.com
Thanks
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Please follow me at the new address
http://lostandtired.wordpress.com
Thanks
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Just a another update
It has been a few days since I have been on here. Lizze is still recovering surgery. She is actually having a pretty rough time right now. She is in a tremendous amount of pain. The fact she has fybro. complicates things alot. You can think of it like this, her body interprets EVERYTHING as pain on a normal day. So the pain from surgery is exponentioally greater. She is having in there as usual. She is a strongest person I have ever met.
Gavin is Gavin. I met with the teachers and principle again the other day to discuss our concerns. I actually walked away feeling better about the situation instead of wanting to beat my head into the wall. The teachers are catching on and responding well to the situation. The problem is that we haven't seen a change in Gavin's behaviors yet. It will take some time for Gavin to catch on that he can't manipulate us.
Lately he has been trying extra hard to manipulate Lizze and I. Aside from that he seems to be doing ok. We haven't had any violent outbursts since my last post.
Emmett John s doing good. We are just waiting for the next hearing test...
Elliott Richard is also doing well. We are still waiting for a spot to open up for preschool. He really wants to go fishing this spring. As soon as it warms up a bit we will probably go. We also decided to replace his DSi with a Leap Frog Leapster 2. He wasn't happy at first but he really enjoys it now. He was getting to frustrated with the DSi.
Finally I caved in and had my back looked at. I just couldn't deal with the pain anymore. For those that don't know blow out my back while on a call as a firefighter/paramedic. That was 10 years ago and I need to have surgery to fix it but haven't for many reasons. Anyways, I went and got a medrol dose pack from the doctors. That is a 7 day cycle of (legal)steroids to reduce inflammation. The timing is bad right now because Lizze is down. I have to really take it easy when I am on this med so it can work without me aggravating it again. It was working but not so much anymore because I am doing to much. I can only do this once a year or so..
But right now I am better then I was a week ago so that's something.
Lost and Tired
Gavin is Gavin. I met with the teachers and principle again the other day to discuss our concerns. I actually walked away feeling better about the situation instead of wanting to beat my head into the wall. The teachers are catching on and responding well to the situation. The problem is that we haven't seen a change in Gavin's behaviors yet. It will take some time for Gavin to catch on that he can't manipulate us.
Lately he has been trying extra hard to manipulate Lizze and I. Aside from that he seems to be doing ok. We haven't had any violent outbursts since my last post.
Emmett John s doing good. We are just waiting for the next hearing test...
Elliott Richard is also doing well. We are still waiting for a spot to open up for preschool. He really wants to go fishing this spring. As soon as it warms up a bit we will probably go. We also decided to replace his DSi with a Leap Frog Leapster 2. He wasn't happy at first but he really enjoys it now. He was getting to frustrated with the DSi.
Finally I caved in and had my back looked at. I just couldn't deal with the pain anymore. For those that don't know blow out my back while on a call as a firefighter/paramedic. That was 10 years ago and I need to have surgery to fix it but haven't for many reasons. Anyways, I went and got a medrol dose pack from the doctors. That is a 7 day cycle of (legal)steroids to reduce inflammation. The timing is bad right now because Lizze is down. I have to really take it easy when I am on this med so it can work without me aggravating it again. It was working but not so much anymore because I am doing to much. I can only do this once a year or so..
But right now I am better then I was a week ago so that's something.
Lost and Tired
Sunday, March 14, 2010
What life is like: part 2
One of the most haunting problems I feel as a parent is when people have spent "time" with Gavin and say he was a perfect angel. You're probably saying to yourself how could that be bad?
The truth is I hate to hear that from people. The reason being that it makes me feel like a failure. Gavin does so well for "them" it must be "me". It is so demoralizing. The reality is that most people see Gavin as this sweet innocent child. They see him this way because no one ever spends enough time with him to see everything. That's not meant to be a slam on anyone either, just a fact.
The problem lies in the fact that when he is "visiting" someone they tend to entertain him, which you would expect. As his parents we get the brunt of everything because we challenge him and he doesn't get away with anything. This is what he doesn't like. He hates to be challenged or caught lying.
The sooner people see Gavin for who he actually is the better his chances are in life. He needs the strict rules and structure or he will have no chance at any type of independence in the future. Treating him like a victim and getting sucked in by his masterful manipulation skills is a dis-service to him.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
The truth is I hate to hear that from people. The reason being that it makes me feel like a failure. Gavin does so well for "them" it must be "me". It is so demoralizing. The reality is that most people see Gavin as this sweet innocent child. They see him this way because no one ever spends enough time with him to see everything. That's not meant to be a slam on anyone either, just a fact.
The problem lies in the fact that when he is "visiting" someone they tend to entertain him, which you would expect. As his parents we get the brunt of everything because we challenge him and he doesn't get away with anything. This is what he doesn't like. He hates to be challenged or caught lying.
The sooner people see Gavin for who he actually is the better his chances are in life. He needs the strict rules and structure or he will have no chance at any type of independence in the future. Treating him like a victim and getting sucked in by his masterful manipulation skills is a dis-service to him.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
This is my reality.......
You want to see who Gavin really is? Here you go. This is not pretty but I think it gets the point across. Sweet, innocent Gavin died many years ago. This is what we are left with. So please don't tell me how perfect he was or how well behaved he is. He DOES NOT just need understanding or anything else. This is the ugly, dark reality of what our lives are like. We are prisoners in our own home.
This whole thing started because he wanted his pencil sharper. His pencil was just fine. He was trying to manipulate us and we weren't allowing it. I told him it was fine and to go do his homework. He started freaking out on the steps. I told him "we're not having it". So he went upstairs and trashed his room and broke his pencil in half. I told him that he would be going to school in the morning without his homework done. He made the choice to trash his room and break his pencil. He didn't know my phone was recording. This is very typical of his meltdowns. I don't care what anyone thinks about me posting this. I am so tired of sugar coating things to make others feel better.
This whole thing started because he wanted his pencil sharper. His pencil was just fine. He was trying to manipulate us and we weren't allowing it. I told him it was fine and to go do his homework. He started freaking out on the steps. I told him "we're not having it". So he went upstairs and trashed his room and broke his pencil in half. I told him that he would be going to school in the morning without his homework done. He made the choice to trash his room and break his pencil. He didn't know my phone was recording. This is very typical of his meltdowns. I don't care what anyone thinks about me posting this. I am so tired of sugar coating things to make others feel better.
Almost back to normal
Well Lizze has been home resting. The kids came home tonight. Elliott Richard is sleeping on one couch and Lizze is on the other. Emmett John is up stairs with me.
Gavin seemed to do ok at my parents. He had a bad day at school Friday. He was in the principles office at least twice. That is not good. We are still having issues with the school at this point and I am not sure what we are going to do.
I want to thank everyone that helped with the kids (not that any of you actually read this) the past few days. Also thanks for all the prayers for Lizze.
Tomorrow will be fun.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Gavin seemed to do ok at my parents. He had a bad day at school Friday. He was in the principles office at least twice. That is not good. We are still having issues with the school at this point and I am not sure what we are going to do.
I want to thank everyone that helped with the kids (not that any of you actually read this) the past few days. Also thanks for all the prayers for Lizze.
Tomorrow will be fun.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Friday, March 12, 2010
Screw wordpress
Wordpress shut my blog down because they say it violates there terms of service. That blog was an exact port of this one. I don't see the problem....
Bye Bye wordpress
Lost and Tired
Bye Bye wordpress
Lost and Tired
Recovery
The surgery only took about 25 minutes. Everything went well. She is in recovery for about 2 hours and then I can see her.
We can then go home and she can eat but they said she will prolly sleep today and Saturday. Maybe I can get caught up on house work.
Lost and Tired
We can then go home and she can eat but they said she will prolly sleep today and Saturday. Maybe I can get caught up on house work.
Lost and Tired
we are off to the hospital
We have been up for a while now and are leaving to go check in to the hospital
Lizze has surgery in the morning
Lizze is having a tubal in the morning. Her doctors said she would not survive another pregnancy. Also our lives won't allow for any more kids. It's bitter sweet but it's the right decision. My parents have all the kids for the next few days to give Lizze time to recover. Please keep her in your prayers tomorrow.
Lost and Tired
Lost and Tired
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Truth or dare?
So I have been toying around with the idea of opening up a little more. Being just a bit more honest about everything. Let you all in on what it’s like to raise a child with autism or other spectrum disorder. It’s not like you see on TV most of the time. In our case it’s extremely dark and challenging. I think I will do this in parts because honestly this will be very difficult and emotionally draining for me.
Here is my disclaimer: Gavin is no simply autistic. He suffers from aspergers syndrome. Typically this means high functioning autism. In Gavin’s case this is not always true. Gavin is very unique in that he floats on the spectrum. This means that he can be high functioning (brushes his own teeth, dresses himself) and he can slide all the way down to low functioning (can’t dress himself, can’t brush his own teeth ect). This is not very common at all. Gavin also has many other diagnoses. He suffers from bipolar disorder, OCD, PICA, Sensory integration disorder, PTSD, ADHD and Conduct Disorder. These obviously contribute to the over all complexity of the situation. So this situation isn’t typical. End Disclaimer :)
Raising a child with autism or other disorder is very rough on the entire family. It is emotionally and financially draining. Every day is a constant struggle to move forward but most often it is a struggle to simply keep from regressing any further. This takes an emotional and physical toll on everyone in the house. On the financial side of things it is almost impossible. People don’t realize that most insurance (at least in our experience and what others have shared with us) doesn’t cover autism. In Gavin’s case he is on disability. This means his medical expenses are mostly paid for by Medicaid. People like to judge those on Medicaid as lazy or irresponsible. Sometimes this may be the case but families with autistic children have no other choice. The truth is that Gavin can go through medication like water. This is because for some unknown reason Gavin metabolizes medication very quickly. So it we may go through 6 different meds or doses in a month trying to find one that works. In the past Gavin has been on $1000.00 +/month in medications alone. This doesn’t include the numerous doctors and special therapists. The typical specialist runs around $300/hr. Sometimes he is seen once per month or once per week. Sometimes he has 6 appointments in a week. For 2 years Gavin had 5 appointments per week and I am not kidding. The cost is staggering.
I have heard people make the comment (referring to Gavin’s Medicaid or SSI checks) that it must be nice to get a free ride. The reality is actually quite the opposite. There is no such thing as a free ride. Gavin being on SSI (which includes his Medicaid) is not fun. We have to sacrifice a great deal in order to keep him covered. We cannot have a savings account, retirement or even whole life insurance. We cannot have assets over a certain amount (under $5000) at any given time including our business. This means that when “things” come up we have no money. We are self employed in order to more tightly manage our income. Running a business without capital is extremely difficult but we have stayed alive for 10 years.
The problem with this situation is that it is not possible to get out of. In order to pull Gavin off of SSI I would need to increase our gross income to $5,000 or more per month. That’s not going to happen right now. This is extremely demoralizing. I have very little hope for the future at this point. There is not financial security for us and that keeps me up at night. Trying to figure out bills is the very last thing on my mind when Gavin is psychotic and hearing voices. All you want it is to hold the crumbling pieces of your family together. It’s a balancing act that you are distained to fail. To say the system is flawed would be an understatement.
To Be Continued…………
Lost and Tired
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Gavin, Gavin, Gavin
We can't resort to violence like spanking with Gavin (even though he has it coming at times) for a few reasons. We don't believe in spanking because there is no progression from there. Gavin will associate violence as a way of dealing with anger. The biggest reason is because Gavin witnessed his biological father beat Lizze for the first year of his life.
So we have come up with something even better and more satisfying. When Gavin makes a lot of bad choices and needs to be kinda put in his place we substitute his next meal with oatmeal. He isn't real fond of oatmeal when it plain. It's effective most of the time. He never learns from it which really makes it a pointless consequence but we have to keep trying or he will have no chance later in life.
Anyone have any other ideas they can share with the class?
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
So we have come up with something even better and more satisfying. When Gavin makes a lot of bad choices and needs to be kinda put in his place we substitute his next meal with oatmeal. He isn't real fond of oatmeal when it plain. It's effective most of the time. He never learns from it which really makes it a pointless consequence but we have to keep trying or he will have no chance later in life.
Anyone have any other ideas they can share with the class?
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Gavin, Gavin, Gavin
We can't resort to violence like spanking with Gavin (even though he has it coming at times) for a few reasons. We don't believe in spanking because there is no progression from there. Gavin will associate violence as a way of dealing with anger. The biggest reason is because Gavin witnessed his biological father beat Lizze for the first year of his life.
So we have come up with something even better and more satisfying. When Gavin makes a lot of bad choices and needs to be kinda put in his place we substitute his next meal with oatmeal. He isn't real fond of oatmeal when it plain. It's effective most of the time. He never learns from it which really makes it a pointless consequence but we have to keep trying or he will have no chance later in life.
Anyone have any other ideas they can share with the class?
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
So we have come up with something even better and more satisfying. When Gavin makes a lot of bad choices and needs to be kinda put in his place we substitute his next meal with oatmeal. He isn't real fond of oatmeal when it plain. It's effective most of the time. He never learns from it which really makes it a pointless consequence but we have to keep trying or he will have no chance later in life.
Anyone have any other ideas they can share with the class?
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Friday, March 5, 2010
The run down
Today has come and gone and where are we? Eliott Richards party was moved home from grandma and grandpa's house. Lizze and Emmett John were both sick today so we needed to change the venue.
I think it went over quite well actually. Elliott Richard was very happy and is currently exhausted.
Gavin is a different story all together. While we haven't seen any fits today we were constantly repeating ourselves. He was on the verge of being out of control all day long. Dr. R has increased the Zyprexa to 15mg in the am. He is still on 10mg at night. This is being done to hopefully silence the voices in his head. As with any med change we will have to watch him for a few days to make sure there are no side effects (especially with the increased dose).
My parents were here today and they are very supportive but I know they don't understand. We still get the looks when we correct Gavin for what may seem like no reason. We are very in tune with the way his mind works and we have learned to read the body language and know when enough is enough. I could explain over and over why we do things this way but honestly it's a waste of time and energy as no one will understand.
We have recently connected with a family through this blog. My wife and I can very much relate to this family. They face many of the same challenges we do. This is only the second time I can say for certain that someone knows what we are going through. Mark and Debbie are friends of ours from Gavin's school. They know what we go through because they go through it to. Our new friends Mandi and John are in the same boat. These are all amazing human beings and very good parents.
I am grateful because we can share our experiences with each other. It's nice to know you aren't alone isn't it.
We also have made friends with a family that isn't necessarily going through what we are but know about great sacrifice. They are a military family. Yeah I'm looking at you, Nicole and Chris. They have always been supportive as well and we truly appreciate them and the sacrifices they make to keep us safe. They have never judged us and only ever offered kinds words and prayers.
I just want to thank you all for being a part of our lives and being there for us and allowing us to be there for you.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
We are celebrating Elliott Richards birthday today. We were also supposed to have Gavin's blood work done this morning. As every single day before this plans change. Gavin is having a rough morning so there is no way we would be able to get him to and from the lab without MAJOR drama. So it will have to wait because Elliott Richard deserves his special day without Gavin raining on his parade. Lizze is out of her meds so she is in extreme amounts of pain. We are waiting for the refill to be called in from pain management. Today is going to be very hard on her so adding to the chaos is not an option. Over the past few years we have had to shift from what's best for Gavin to what's best for everyone else. I know that sounds mean but it is simply the reality we live in. We have to preserve the health of the healthy. No matter how much we pour into Gavin none of it ever sticks. We make sure Gavin has all the things he needs. As I promised the other day I am uploading the slide show of Elliott Richards begining. Enjoy.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Credit needs given
With all the joy that goes along with Elliott Richards birthday something slips through the cracks.
I want to take a few minutes and thank my wife for everything she sacrificed to bring Elliott Richard in to this world in the first place. You may not know that her pregnancy was VERY complicated. She was on complete bed rest for most of the EIGHT months she FOUGHT to carry Elliott Richard. She was hospitalized quite a few times for major complications like DVT's (deep vein thrombosis) or blood clots in her leg. These were very serious because any movement on her part could have caused her to throw the clot and that could have been fatal. She endured 1550+ injections and 2000+ pills over the course of the pregnancy. She gave up all of her freedom and suffered many indignities. She never once complained not even once.
I was the big tough firefighter/paramedic who has seen it all and I was a mess much of the time. She is truly the rock in our family.
Elliott Richard is here today because of her hard work and sacrifice. Lizze you are truly an unsung hero. It's time that your song was sung. I can never thank you enough for giving me Elliott Richard. You did it with grace and dignity. You are a shining example of what a mother is. Some day I will find a way to thank you. Until then I will have to keep trying. I love you. This day is your day also.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
I want to take a few minutes and thank my wife for everything she sacrificed to bring Elliott Richard in to this world in the first place. You may not know that her pregnancy was VERY complicated. She was on complete bed rest for most of the EIGHT months she FOUGHT to carry Elliott Richard. She was hospitalized quite a few times for major complications like DVT's (deep vein thrombosis) or blood clots in her leg. These were very serious because any movement on her part could have caused her to throw the clot and that could have been fatal. She endured 1550+ injections and 2000+ pills over the course of the pregnancy. She gave up all of her freedom and suffered many indignities. She never once complained not even once.
I was the big tough firefighter/paramedic who has seen it all and I was a mess much of the time. She is truly the rock in our family.
Elliott Richard is here today because of her hard work and sacrifice. Lizze you are truly an unsung hero. It's time that your song was sung. I can never thank you enough for giving me Elliott Richard. You did it with grace and dignity. You are a shining example of what a mother is. Some day I will find a way to thank you. Until then I will have to keep trying. I love you. This day is your day also.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Time goes by to fast
I couldn't sleep last night. I was trying to recover pictures off a bad hard drive for a customer. Then I was thinking about what I was doing at that time 4 years ago. I was in the delivery room waiting along with my wife for Elliott Richard's arrival. We had no idea the what we were in for.
When it finally happened I was beside myself. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. I lost complete control over my emotions and sobbed like a baby. Words can't do the experience justice. In that moment my entire life was forever changed.
I have made several movies to document our experience in the nicu and I watched them all last night while everyone was sleeping. Seeing him in the NICU relying on a machine to breath and having his little hands tied down (so he could pull the tube out again) puts so very many things into perspective.
I will try to upload the videos as soon as I can.
Happy birthday Elliott Richard. You have no idea how much I love you but I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
When it finally happened I was beside myself. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. I lost complete control over my emotions and sobbed like a baby. Words can't do the experience justice. In that moment my entire life was forever changed.
I have made several movies to document our experience in the nicu and I watched them all last night while everyone was sleeping. Seeing him in the NICU relying on a machine to breath and having his little hands tied down (so he could pull the tube out again) puts so very many things into perspective.
I will try to upload the videos as soon as I can.
Happy birthday Elliott Richard. You have no idea how much I love you but I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Pink elephant in the room
Lizze and I had a conversation today about Emmett John that we both have been putting off.
Over the past few months we have been very focused on his hearing and speech issues. We realized we have overlooked some things. Emmett John smells everything, he has started with a few repetitive motions, he doesn't talk (probably hearing related) and throws himself on the floor. He is also hitting himself in the head.
Now these could mean nothing but this is how Gavin started. These are some of the things we missed early on with Gavin. Emmett John is still very engaging and actively seeks out attention which is good. We have been pretty tunnel visioned lately and missed some of these things. His doctor had already requested that he be run through the autism clinic at the children's hospital.
Everyone has decided that we are going to pursue the hearing issue first because that makes the most sense. The other things"could" be normal for his age. Since there is a family history it increases the chances that it could be autism related.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Over the past few months we have been very focused on his hearing and speech issues. We realized we have overlooked some things. Emmett John smells everything, he has started with a few repetitive motions, he doesn't talk (probably hearing related) and throws himself on the floor. He is also hitting himself in the head.
Now these could mean nothing but this is how Gavin started. These are some of the things we missed early on with Gavin. Emmett John is still very engaging and actively seeks out attention which is good. We have been pretty tunnel visioned lately and missed some of these things. His doctor had already requested that he be run through the autism clinic at the children's hospital.
Everyone has decided that we are going to pursue the hearing issue first because that makes the most sense. The other things"could" be normal for his age. Since there is a family history it increases the chances that it could be autism related.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Birthday Fun
So we have been trying to plan Elliott Richards birthday party. We gave up on trying to get everyone there cause it will never happen. So we picked a date and time that worked best for us and decided on this Friday at noon. Gavin is off school Friday. Originally we were going to try to have it while he was at school because he doesn't do well with parties but we will just make do.
We are going to try to have something else later for those that couldn't make it. But most likely people could just come over and wish him a happy birthday when their schedules allow. I feel bad cause not many people were able to make it friday but Elliott will have a good time and that's really all that matters right now. The other reason for the time picked is because Gavin will have time to decompress afterwards before bed. We'll see how everything goes.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
We are going to try to have something else later for those that couldn't make it. But most likely people could just come over and wish him a happy birthday when their schedules allow. I feel bad cause not many people were able to make it friday but Elliott will have a good time and that's really all that matters right now. The other reason for the time picked is because Gavin will have time to decompress afterwards before bed. We'll see how everything goes.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Gavin update
It appears that Gavin may be getting more manic if that makes sense. This morning it appears as though the voices may be coming back. It's little things right now like "I thought you told me to do....." When we haven't even said a word or weren't even in the same room. This is how it usually begins.
Eventually it will get to the point of full blown psychosis. He will play cards with people that aren't there while having full fledged conversations back and forth with them also. When he was younger we would find him standing in our room at night "watching us sleep". It gets really creepy and honestly dangerous because we don't always know what the voices tell him to do.
We installed an alarm on his bedroom door so when he goes into or out of his room we are aware. It hleps to curb the sneaking out of his room and wandering the house.
What seems to happen is that he gets so extremely manic that he hears voices. He has hit puberty so now his meds aren't working very well. The scary thing is that it took about 4 years to get the meds right because he metabolizes them so quickly.
I realized last night that other mental health issues are starting to overcome the autism related issues we have had. They get so tangled up in each other it is extremely difficult to know what is what anymore.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Eventually it will get to the point of full blown psychosis. He will play cards with people that aren't there while having full fledged conversations back and forth with them also. When he was younger we would find him standing in our room at night "watching us sleep". It gets really creepy and honestly dangerous because we don't always know what the voices tell him to do.
We installed an alarm on his bedroom door so when he goes into or out of his room we are aware. It hleps to curb the sneaking out of his room and wandering the house.
What seems to happen is that he gets so extremely manic that he hears voices. He has hit puberty so now his meds aren't working very well. The scary thing is that it took about 4 years to get the meds right because he metabolizes them so quickly.
I realized last night that other mental health issues are starting to overcome the autism related issues we have had. They get so tangled up in each other it is extremely difficult to know what is what anymore.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
..............
So its been a few days since my last post. Elliott Richard's birthday is Thursday. I can't believe its been 4 years. It feels like it was just yesterday that I would fall asleep next to Lizze at night with my arm around her and my hand on her belly. He would kick my hand all night long. I remember Lizze going on bedrest and having very, very serious complications. She spent weeks in the hospital. I remember when she developed a DVT in her leg. It was really bad because they could not find the clot and her leg had swelled up to twice the normal size. They could do very little to help her without the risk of hurting Elliott Richard. Up to that point in my life I had never been so scared.
I remember when Elliott Richard finally decided he couldn't wait anymore and was born over a month early. We were so relieved that he seemed to be ok. Then the NICU rushed in because he started having problems breathing. He was whisked away by stampede of white coats and scrubs.
We spent the next 3 weeks in the NICU while he recovered from premature lung disease, 2 collapsed lungs and pneumonia. I remember the doctors telling us that he might not make it.
I never would have believed that those few words could collapse my whole world in a single moment. I remember talks of having him air lifted to Cleveland Clinic because there wasn't much more they could do.
To this day when I smell a certain hand sanitizers I am transported back to those few weeks. I remember not being allowed to even touch him when he was crying and in pain. Watching him struggle to breath was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had never known true fear until then. I was a fire/medic for along time even prior to Elliott Richard. I have been in burning houses and extricated people from truly horrific car crashes. I have had guns pointed at me as well as knives pulled on me. I have seen things most people couldn't even imagine. All of these things paled in comparison to the fear I felt about loosing Elliott Richard. It was like something inside awoke for the first time the moment he took his very first breath.
Now he is happy and healthy. He is very advanced for his age according to Gavin's specialists. Time is passing much to quickly.
Lost and Tired
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
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